Fresh Perspectives

Posted on Thursday 13 August 2020 @ 23:34 by Major Richard "Wolf" Johnson, Psy.D.

Mission: Race against the machine - Joint Mission with USS Andromeda
Location: USS Merlin, Wolf's office
2728 words - 5.5 OF Standard Post Measure

Syvar was feeling restless. Cooped up in his quarters, recovering from injury. He was, if he had to be honest, becoming stir-crazy. He didn't really have anything to occupy his mind and he was terrified he might lose it altogether. With Amelia gone to work, he was left to his own straying thoughts.

He considered talking to True, he trusted her but somehow a spontaneous visit wasn't possible and he didn't like having to need her to clean up before he could visit. He remembered the Merlin was nearby, and they had a counselor too. Moving to his computer, he activated it. "Commander Johnson, this is Doctor Sybar on the Andromeda, am I calling at a convenient time?"

Wolf was in the Marine Company Commanders office researching the Dark Ones as well as catching up on reports when he heard the comm. He looked over and set the PADD he'd been reading aside and hit the comm button, pulling up the video, "of course, Doctor, what can I do for you?" the Marine asked in a pleasant tone.

"I'm not sure," Syvar confessed, "I need someone to talk to other than my mate, other than my counselor and I don't want to inconvenience her. I'm allergic to her pet, you see. Can we meet?"

Johnson nodded, his expression changing to one of understanding, "of course," he replied without hesitation, "do you want to come over to Merlin for a bit more privacy or would you be more comfortable having me come there?" he asked.

"I would like to come to you if that's alright," Syvar answered, not even giving it a second of thought. Amelia might not like the idea, might even be worried but he so desperately needed to be away from home! "I will be with you in a few minutes."

---

It took a little longer than a few minutes as he wasn't moving very fast but at last a fairly pale looking Vulcan appeared in the marine's office. He offered a gloved hand in greeting. "I'm Syvar," he introduced himself, his green eyes bright with emotion, his entire bearing one of discomfort. "Thank you sir, for seeing me."

Wolf extended his hand with a warm smile, "it's good to meet you, Syvar, and not a problem," he replied, "and just call me Wolf, no need for formalities," he added, knowing that keeping rank or formal address wouldn't allow the man to relax very much.

"Wolf?" the young doctor queried as he eased himself down into a chair, relief flooding his face as he did. "Why are you named after a Lupine species? You don't resemble one." Curiosity was winning it over his need to talk for now.

Richard chuckled, "it's a Marine and pilot thing, its my callsign," he explained, "when I was a fresh butter bar, err, second lieutenant, I used to howl with every fighter kill, so, they started calling me Wolf. It becomes more of the name than a person's real name is," he explained before sitting down himself, "I guess it's the same idea as the Romulan tradition of not ever telling anyone their full name, the callsign over comms keeps us safe because no one knows our name or rank."

"I see..." He thought for a moment. "I don't know much about Romulans though one of the ship's counselor's is half Romulan..." He paused. "What do you know of the mirror universe? Have you ever seen your mirror?" His expression turned haunted as he recalled the image of his mate's mirror and he shuddered visibly to shake it.

"Not my own, but, I have had run ins before," the Marine replied, making note of the shudder and expression, "they are an....interesting lot, in the Academy I did a paper about nature versus nurture with the mirrors as the subject," he added and sat forward, leaning relaxed on the desk with his arms, "I heard there was an incident with one just as I arrived...."

"That's an understatement," Syvar murmured, looking away. "She used me... abused, and tortured me." He bit his lower lip as he forced himself to look up. "Made me dependant of her and I had no choice but to do her bidding. She'd have killed everyone..."

Richard nodded in understanding but stayed quiet for a moment, "how did that make you feel?" he asked, knowing he was posing that question to a Vulcan, but, also having noted the emotional expression thus far.

"Dirty, helpless..." Syvar whispered, "excited... she did something that made me want her, almost as if it was my Time.. I don't know how she did it. And she used an agonizer on me, it was excruciating. I did anything to avoid having her use it and she did anyway." His eyes were turning glassy with tears that welled up. "She would destroy the ship, if I exposed her...."

Wolf nodded, "the pain made it kind of a thrill, it wasn't something you had experienced in that context before?" he asked softly, "and because she looked like your mate those feelings made it excite you?"

"She wasn't my mate at the time, that happened...later. She had been abducted and the mirror replaced her. WHen she returned at first I was terrified of her but she made me feel...different. It felt different." Syvar paused again. "She stopped me from seeing her." Shame coloured his cheeks. "The pain was unlike anything I had experienced before. I got in serious trouble when it was discovered..."

Richard nodded then stood up and walked around the desk, coming to sit in the chair next to the Doctor, "there's nothing wrong with feeling that excitement," he said with a smile, "as a Doctor I'm sure you already know all the sciency goblygook, that pain causes endorphins to release from the brain, that's why some people cut themselves," he said, "and she used that to get to you, that's not your fault."

"I know... and I wanted to be with her. Went at length to visit her in the brig, until my Amelia stopped me, and showed me different. We...connected... she's my mate now and I'd protect her with my life. I was so glad the mirror was in the brig, I felt safer. Until she escaped and hurt people again... she came to sickbay demanding supplies and a prenatal check.. I gave her what she wanted, and she shot me...point blank."

Johnson nodded and studying the other mans face for a moment, "and when she shot you that made you feel betrayed?" he asked, not ignoring the other things Syvar had said, but, wanting to continue the explanation of his feelings toward the mirror.

"Yes." Shame coloured the younger man's face. "Hurt, betrayed... after all I had done for her, she repaid me with almost killing me. I heard her shuttle was destroyed, and I feel she deserved this but her baby was an innocent...it didn't deserve to die."

"That's a natural reaction too," Wolf assured him and leaned forward with his arms on his knees, "and, no, it didn't, but, sometimes even the innocent get punished," he said and looked down to the deck for a moment before looking back up, "was there anything you could have done to stop her or save the baby?" he asked softly, knowing the answer himself, but, wanting Syvar to hear it in his own voice.

"No probably not. I was unconscious anyway, by her doing. She was selfish, utterly selfish, I don't think she ever cared for the baby at all." Syvar shook his head, causing the welled up tears to fall. Angrily he wiped them away. "If I could've, I would've but what was I to do against her? I was powerless, even without the agonizer."

The Marine nodded and gave things a moment before continuing, "you know, way back in my career I was assigned to a ship named Endeavor. My ex was on board and someone got the idea to use a Borg signal to get someone to assassinate her....that person ended up being me," he explained, "I couldn't fight the impulse, it was all consuming and eventually my brother had to knock me out to stop me....the guilt I felt, it was unbearable. But, that quilt was misplaced, my mind was being controlled," he added and took a breath, "Syvar, being powerless sometimes does not mean weakness," he said and offered the man a smile, "it takes just as much strength to carry on after something like this happens."

"I'm sorry to hear that..." Syvar bowed his head in sympathy. "I have nightmares... I love Amelia, my Amelia, we're bonded and I would do anything for her, or to protect her. But I couldn't protect her... the mirror got her too, fooled her too. I'm glad she's gone, but the nightmares...how do I stop them? Sometimes, I don't even want my Amelia to touch me... How do I go beyond that?"

"Thank you," Richard replied with a smile, "well, in part, by doing this. Psychotherapy, or talk therapy, is going to be primarily what we'll need to have you do," he explained before reaching to his desk for a PADD, "specifically it's called cognitive behavior therapy. In a nutshell that's just a fancy way of saying we're going to help you view these thoughts that are causing the nightmares in a different light," he started, "I would also like you to come see the chief medical officer with me, it can be ours or yours, but, I'd like to recommend antidepressants," he added and handed Syvar the PADD with the treatment plan outlined on it, "I am going to start with ten counseling sessions, one a week."

One a week seemed fair, so Syvar nodded. "I think my CMO would be better," he said slowly, "because I work with him."

Johnson nodded, "in between when your feeling that anxiety I would like you to stop and use the five, four, three, two, one method. That is five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can taste and one thing you can smell," he explained, "and you can always reach out to me day or night as well."

""I'd like True to be informed as well," Syvar stated quietly. "She's my counselor and I want her in on this. I just don't understand....why medication? I'm not depressed, I'm recovering from injury. How am I to return to work if I'm on medication? Am I cleared for duty at all once my physical limitations are gone?" He looked worried.

"Of course," Wolf replied with a nod then thought for a moment, "Syvar, may I ask, when was the last time, injuries not withstanding, that you left your quarters and associated socially with people outside of your mate?" he asked.

"I don't know," the Vulcan confessed after a moment of thought, "I've met with Michael who has decided I'm his brother, but other than that I haven't really done anything. Some seem to think I'm weird, because of who I am."

"We're all weird in some way,'' Richard replied with a smile, "and that's great Michaels there too. I would still like to have you evaluated for the antidepressants," he said, "you are deeply in touch with your emotions and, with how strongly Vulcans can feel emotion, I want to make sure the sadness I have seen wont become worse," he said, staying away from calling the younger man depressed, "if nothing comes of the evaluation then I wont press it. If you do end up taking them, however, I'll make a note to start mild first, they should not affect your duty shifts or performance. Does that sound fair?"

"I've always been emotional," Syvar protested, "my birth parents too. We had left Vulcan to find a Home on Earth but we all got very sick on the way. My parents died and I was raised by Humans. They're lovely people and I love them dearly. I'd rather not take anything that might suppress who I am "

Johnson regarded the medical officer for a few moments, even with human patients the protest was the same. Between the stigma of having depression and the stigma of taking medications for it most patients felt the same as Syvar, "alright, I am going to tell you the same thing you would tell a patient refusing treatment," he started, firm, but still with genuine compassion in his tone and face, "if you start showing further signs you will be put on the meds. Just like with a physical injury a mental one can cause mistakes that could hurt someone. Given that you are a medical officer if you promise me you'll watch for signs and report them immediately to your counselor I wont make the recommendation in my report. However, you must attend every counseling session and do all homework given to you. Do we have a deal?" he asked.

"I'm not depressed," Syvar replied firmly, "I'm what other Vulcans refer to as V'Tosh K'atur...Vulcan without logic...but I'm capable of applying logic if I need to, I just don't have tight control of my emotions. Never had, never will. It's why we 'fled' to Earth, I remember that much. I promise counselor if I do get depressed I'll tell True, I just don't want these nightmares, or the fear of that woman."

"Ok," the marine replied with a nod, pressing the issue would create a rift and that was not what he was trying to do, "I'll leave it out as promised," he replied with a nod, "I didn't mean to press, I just want to make sure you get everything you need," he added with a smile, "but, the sessions and CBT should help with the rest," he added, deciding to change the subject.

"Cee Bee Tee?" Syvar arched a single eyebrow in very Vulcan fashion. "I'm no counselor sir, just a very inexperienced doctor. Please explain?"

"The cognitive behavior therapy I described before," the counselor replied, "it will include what is called mindfulness techniques, like the five, four, three, two, one method I described. No meds, just talking and ways to get take care of the anxiety behind your nightmares and the fear of the mirror," he explained, intentionally using mirror in place of 'woman'.

Syvar nodded. "I am open to trying that," he agreed. "Thank you counselor, how will this work?"

"Well, each session will be about an hour long, during those sessions we'll work on goals as well as address those feelings and thoughts about how the mirror made you feel, and is still making you feel. Since I am going to talk to counselor Keading I don't want to outline anything to deep, she may want to add or change some things. If, after ten sessions, though, if things are still in process of getting better or you feel more may help, I would suggest you commit to a year of sessions," he said, "but, that is a bridged crossed later and all treatment options are up to you," he added, wanting to reassure the medical officer.

A year! Syvar blinked in surprise. "Okay..." He seemed hesitant about that. "Let's start with ten..." He stood, feeling like he needed some time to process this. "I should go home... Did you want to go past the doctor immediately?"

"No need to talk to the doctor since we're not going to add meds," Richard replied, "I will need to talk with counselor Keading in a little while, though. and Syvar," the marine said and stood up as well, "the thing about the year, it is not going to be an official recommendation. It is meant more as information for you if you feel that more may help. Above all everything I've suggested are just suggestions or recommendations."

"Okay," the younger man repeated, looking a little defeated all the same. He wrung his gloved hands, not sure whether he was alright to leave or not. "I need to go," he said again, "thank you for your time sir."

"You're welcome, Syvar," Richard replied with a nod and watched the man leave, wondering if he really had helped or if he had just made things worse for the young medical officer.